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Night four.

Still sick. Coughing up gelatinous matter that appears to actually fluoresce. Still sober. Bought Chamomile tea which tastes better than the Compost Tea but still sucks arse.

Not in a happy place.

I have come to the realisation that I don’t want to know what’s happening in the real world, I don’t want to be aware of my surroundings or have any memory of the night before. I don’t want to drink tea or remember that I haven’t eaten in two days or go to bed and sleep all night or look remotely healthy.

I am teetering on the edge of this shitty wagon - but don’t worry, I’m not going to fall off, oh no…

I’M GOING TO FUCKING JUMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So it’s night number three of the excruciatingly dull world of sobriety. I have a cough. A chunky one. A tickly, chunky one that has made my chest and throat feel like they’re on fire. Two thoughts have struck me:

a) I have no beer to dull my discomfort

and

b) is my discomfort caused by no beer?

I’m going to spend the rest of the evening pondering this over a cup of the most revolting herbal tea I have ever suffered through. Seriously, it stinks. And it tastes like soil. It professes to be a special blend of relaxing herbs and is thusly supposed to have a calming effect… is that supposed to kick in before or after my gag reflex…

Calming indeed!

CALMING MY ARSE!!!!!! DO I SOUND FUCKING CALM?!!!!!

I am sober, bored, congested and drinking herbal tea that surely has been made from the contents Hell’s own compost bin. No. I am not calm.

This is the first time I think I have ever said this, but God I wish it was Monday!

*sigh*

Tea: the Other Amber Liquid!

hahaha!

Saturday night I fell down a flight of stairs. I thought I’d broken my ankle - but the next morning I realised it clearly wasn’t my ankle I fell on…. basically there wasn’t a part of my body that wasn’t bruised in some way. My back was black - my elbows and arms made me look like an unfortunate victim of domestic violence (much to my husband’s horror!) and possibly the worst injury was a massive haematoma on my left hip… oh boy that one REALLY hurts…

So the reason i fell down the stairs is because I was absolutely blind drunk. Spastic. Hammered. Maggotted. Wasted. Legless (clearly) Smashed (literally)

And that’s fine. I don’t deny I like to have a few drinks and lose a few hours in an evening BUT, I have had a change of heart recently. What if I’d fallen down the stairs and broken my back instead of bruising it?

So I’ve set myself a challenge. One whole week off the piss. Now I don’t know if you realise just what a massive ask this is. I haven’t had two nights in a row off the turps for as long as i can remember! (This probably has something to do with me not being able to remember) It also means getting thru an entire weekend of football and relaxing with NO BEER.

Oh God what have I done????!!

So tonight I drank tea. 2 cups. I need another focus. Another obsession to help me forget about the lack of alcohol. Like a smoker trying to quit chews gum - I’m gonna drink tea! And be sensible and go to bed before 12 at night and read - a real book with words and no pictures, and not fall down stairs, or wear dark glasses to hide a hangover or eat KFC nuggets at 10:30 in the morning, or wake up wondering what the hell i got up to the night before! I’m going to be a trusted friend - one that people know they can go out with and won’t have to witness them trying to drunk-text a picture of their breasts to someone who doesn’t need to see them. Ever.

Yep. I’m going to be good. A good wife, a good mother, a good friend… all through the power of TEA!

Well, that’s the plan. I feel it’s doomed to failure given my previous efforts but I’m still gonna give it a red hot go!

So stay tuned to see just how quickly my good intentions mutate into my usual drunken debauchery - it’s sure to be soon….

I’m off for a 3rd cup of tea… all this talking about drinking’s made me thirsty!

xxx