do not attempt this sober…..

If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!

Picture this if you will, a small community centre filled with at least 50 cupcakes, 70 cocktail savs, 30 kiss biscuits, 25 mini meringues, 12 slices of fairy bread, 800 chocolate crackles, various pastries, a Dolly Varden cake and 10 children all under the age of 3 who had basically consumed half of the above in roughly the time it takes you to go from being a just little bit silly to a big bit spastic.

Now imagine facing this scene with not a drop of alcohol of any variety in sight.

Welcome to the hell that was my day.

Now, it wasn’t the 10 small children hyped up on sugar and dressed as fairies that really caused me distress. (Although this in itself is decidedly distressing) It was the fact that my 15mth old son who is normally sweet, jovial and quite attractive, suddenly decided that today was the day to turn into a screaming banshee that wouldn’t look sideways at anyone without being actually on top of me. Mother of god. I would have willingly severed all four of my limbs and eaten them just to have a few beers.

I had actually prepped myself beforehand with a glass of Bailey’s and 2 cigarettes but trust me, it did nothing. NOTHING I say. By the time we got home with this pink, screeching child dressed as an elf but looking more like some sort of enraged troll, we decided to push beer o’clock forward from our usual 6 o’clock to 4 o’clock. Still about 3 and a half hours too late if you ask me.

The moral of this story is do not attempt to attend a children’s birthday party (particularly one requiring some form of costume) without first ensuring that it contains a designated wet area or secreting a hip flask the size of Alaska.

I’m off to get drunk and try to repress the day’s events.

Cheers.